Welcome to a free edition of Start Up To Grown Up: Your source for ideas, insights and tactics to take back control of your business and scale it sustainably and profitably by Heather Townsend, award-winning author of The Accountants’ Millionaires’ Club and Founder of The Accountants’ Growth Club
You are ill-informed, misleading people and dangerously misrepresenting the facts.
This was the message that kept coming at me in the lead-up to a big vote in council.
It wasn’t just one councillor disagreeing with me. It was a consortium.
Worse was still to come. During the debate in the council chamber, I was repeatedly told that I had misunderstood and was wrong.
There were moments when I doubted my sanity. And I mean, real moments. But I wasn’t wrong. I knew I wasn’t wrong. In fact, I was simply repeating what I had learnt from the leader of the council and the executive portfolio holders.
I was being gaslit in public.
Being gaslit is something we don’t talk about enough. In fact, the very process of being gaslit erodes your self-esteem, leaving you isolated and vulnerable. However as a small business owner gaslighting can happen to you regularly. Whether it’s from a key team member, supplier, or client.
But how to recognise you are being gaslit? And then how to protect yourself from this. This is what the rest of this post will explore.
What is gaslighting:
Has your recollection of events ever been questioned, even though you feel certain you were right? Maybe it was a client, employee, advisor or industry peer. If so, you may have been a victim of gaslighting. Gaslighting is often discussed in the context of intimate relationships, but it is also rife in the world of small business - particularly when transitioning from growing to scaling and relying on a small team to be client-facing.
The term "gaslighting" is sometimes misused, with many people mistaking it for other forms of psychological aggression, such as bullying or exclusion. The word originates from the 1938 play Gaslight, in which the protagonist’s husband gradually convinces her that she is losing her mind. The term is fitting because that is precisely what gaslighting does; it makes you doubt your own reality.
In a business context, gaslighting occurs when an advisor, peer, competitor, client, business partner, or employee manipulates you to the point where you question your sanity, memory, or perception. Gaslighters achieve this by persistently denying past events, downplaying your emotions, or retelling situations in a way that places the blame on you.
When this behaviour happens consistently, it can leave the victim feeling off-balance, lacking confidence, and struggling with self-doubt. I certainly felt that way when councillor after councillor insisted I was wrong and misrepresenting the facts.
But that was just one small incident in the council chamber. You could say I ought to have got used to the rough and tumble of local politics by now. But what if it wasn’t a bit of political argy-bargy? What if it was a trusted senior team member. The expensive hire that you took on to release you from being the business to help you scale?
That happened to me. That took me over a year to properly move on from the gaslighting.
Gaslighting as a small business owner
As a small business owner, you’re likely to encounter gaslighting - whether intentional or not. It can make you doubt your decisions, question your expertise, and feel as though you’re always in the wrong. Here are some common culprits and why they do it:
Examples of gaslighting:
The client who repeatedly "forgets" that you’ve requested key information and then gets annoyed, accusing you of not being proactive.
The client who constantly pushes for extra work outside the agreed engagement - without paying any more.
The client who conveniently "forgets" the invoice they previously agreed to.
Underperforming employees who shift blame onto you or others.
Industry peers or competitors who downplay your success, suggesting you simply "got lucky."
These experiences can feel very real and frustrating. But the question is: how do you move forward? That’s what the rest of this article explores.
How to counteract the effects of gaslighting as a small business owner
Overcoming gaslighting requires trusting yourself, setting clear boundaries, and having strategies to stay grounded. Here’s what you can do:
1. Trust your data over opinions
Gaslighters thrive on making you doubt reality. The more facts you have to back up your decisions and business performance, the less power their words hold. For example:
Keep a record of key conversations and documents.
This could include signed engagement letters, agreements with team members, or even AI-generated meeting notes. The moment I turned the tables on the trusted team member who gaslit me for months? When I sent them - and the mediator - a copy of the KPIs we had agreed upon. Suddenly, their claims that they were “never given any targets” fell apart.
Track your own firm’s metrics
When I launched The Accountants’ Growth Club (originally The Accountants’ Millionaires’ Club), several industry experts publicly criticised it. My competence was questioned. But because I had tracked our financials, sales, and client successes, I knew our advice and model worked. Without that data, I might have doubted whether I could really help our members scale their firms.
Keep a swipe file of your achievements
When everyone is doubting you - or it feels like that - it can be easy to fall into the trap of believing that you are doing something wrong. Keeping a swipe file of your achievements gives you the real evidence that you are doing OK. Plus remember, you are in control of the accelerator for your business’s growth.
2. Set boundaries and stick to them
Gaslighters thrive on pushing limits. If you let them push your limits they will keep on, keeping on. This means that you need to hold firm and nip any negative behaviours or boundary crossing early.
I remember a time with a former accountant of our business. We seemed to always be having a nightmare with our VAT submissions. It always seemed to be a mad rush up to the deadline to file the return. Our then accountant told us that we were the only one of their clients that they had this problem with. It is fair to say I was shocked and embarrassed. At this point we reconfirmed the timetables for getting everything together for our VAT return. From that point onwards we’ve always been the one pushing our accountant to file our return promptly.
The point of telling you this? Your client may not be gaslighting you. But it never hurts to respectfully reset boundaries and expectations with them.
If you constantly have to reset boundaries with a team member, client, or supplier, ask yourself: Is this relationship still serving me? If not, it may be time to cut ties.
3. Recognise manipulation tactics early
Gaslighting in politics is often blatant. It tends to take the form of being told that ‘you are wrong’ or ‘you need to do more research’. Now that I know how to recognise it, I can shrug it off as ‘just one of those things’.
In business, it can be subtler - often disguised as making you the problem. Rather than their behaviour or lack of responsibility being the problem. For example being told:
“You’re overreacting” is a way of dismissing your concerns.
“You’re being difficult” is a way of making you feel bad. This can be used as a tactic to make you back down or feel guilty.
“Everyone else does it this way” is a way to make you feel like you are the one who is wrong or has the problem.
If you are hearing phrases like this then consider responding in one of these ways:
Ask for specifics: “Can you clarity what you mean?”, “Can you give me specific examples of when this is happening?”, “How is this part of the scope of work we agreed upon?”
Call it out without emotion or getting personal: “I hear what you’re saying, but I disagree”, “I understand your point of view, however, that’s not what we agreed upon”
Repeat facts: “This was in our original scope of works. If this isn’t what you are looking for we can renegotiate the project scope”
I once had a former employee send me a long, rambling email, subtly laying the groundwork for a potential employment tribunal claim. Their message demanded multiple formal documents, including policies I knew they had previously received. Instead of engaging, I responded firmly, making it clear they had missed the tribunal deadline. Unsurprisingly, I never heard from them again.
4. Don’t engage in endless justifications
One of the biggest traps in gaslighting is the need to defend yourself. The more you explain and justify, the more ammunition the gaslighter has to twist your words.
A classic example? Social media arguments. You call someone out for misinformation, and instead of engaging in a reasonable discussion, they attack you personally. The more evidence you provide, the more they double down.
As the saying goes:
“Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.”
Instead of falling into this cycle:
End the conversation: Say something like “I don’t think continuing this conversation is productive, so I’m going to leave it here.” Then actually leave it.
Hold firm on your decision: If they keep pushing, simply repeat, “This is my final decision.” Walk away if necessary.
5. Build a support network
Gaslighting thrives in isolation. It works because it makes you second-guess yourself. That’s why having a trusted support network is essential. Surround yourself with people who get it; fellow business owners, mentors, or accountability partners who can reality-check situations for you. Being part of a community, such as The Accountants’ Growth Club, gives you a place to discuss challenges with people who understand the pressures of running a business.
When gaslighting makes you feel uncertain, lean on your support network to regain perspective.
Final Thoughts
Gaslighting makes you feel like you are the problem, but in reality, it’s about control. The best defence? Trust yourself, set clear boundaries, and surround yourself with the right people.
Your actions this week
This week take some time to reflect on where you may have been gaslit in the past in business. What could you have done differently?
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