Bouncing back from betrayal
A mini(ish) guide to stop them living rent-free in your head.
Welcome to a free edition of Start Up To Grown Up: Your source for ideas, insights and tactics to take back control of your business and scale it sustainably and profitably by Heather Townsend, award-winning author of The Accountants’ Millionaires’ Club and Founder of The Accountants’ Growth Club.
They say that forgiveness is the most powerful emotion. But how do you get beyond that state when they live rent-free in your head? Where you can think of them without tensing up and your pulse quickening?
“Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive”
C.S Lewis
In an ideal world, just like on social media, you can block them and hope to never bump into them again at the local supermarket. Then, let time be the healer.
But what happens when that person is someone really close to you? Someone who you supported for six years with their political ambition. In turn, they became your mentor, and you became their running mate. And, you now have a duty to work together for the benefit of your local residents. The very residents you have sworn to serve and represent.
Yes, that’s exactly what happened to me. On June 25th, I discovered that the person I trusted the most in local politics prevented me from progressing to a leadership position in the council’s administration. Worse still, they were part of a leadership coup that ultimately fractured the group of independent councillors that I was part of.
I was devastated. I’m not ashamed to share that I lost my rag and ended up crying and shouting at this individual. It takes a lot for me to lose my shizzle, but I did, and in spectacular style.
Where’s the link to business?
I hear you say. Isn’t this a blog about growing and scaling a business? Well, yes, it is. But, as you grow and scale your business, betrayal will likely happen to you. It can happen in all manner of ways:
Your business partner doing the dirty on you
An employee leaving and taking part of your business with them
A supplier yanking up the price when they know you can least afford it.
How to find forgiveness?
When we hold onto hurt—particularly when the cut is deep—it can be unbalancing and distracting. It can also stop us from moving forward with our business, particularly if we need to restructure or find the momentum and energy to go again. Firstly, don’t muddle up forgiveness with forgetting. You can still forgive an individual but not forget how they have betrayed you.
In his book 8 Keys to Forgiveness, Robert Enright discusses the 8 steps to forgiveness. Saying, “I need to forgive them,” makes it all sound simple, but the journey to forgiveness is anything but simple.
Here’s my take on that journey:
What do you stand for?
My running mate had betrayed me, but we still had residents to serve. That meant that Team Flitwick needed to carry on, even if that wasn’t what I was feeling. For better or worse, in May 2023, I was elected to represent and serve the residents of Flitwick and Steppingley for four years. I don’t take this responsibility lightly. If I was going to deliver on this responsibility - and not find myself scowling at my running mate in the council chamber or at the Remembrance Day parades and services I needed to get myself on that road to forgiveness fast.
Why was I hurting?
I needed to understand what was causing my hurt. Was it that I had opened up and trusted my running mate in a way I hadn’t done with any other councillor? Yes. Was it that I thought we were a team and were backing each other in private and public? Yes. Was it the embarrassment of the locals gossiping about where our relationship was or wasn’t going? Yes. Was it the awareness that the effort I had put into supporting their political journey and steps up the ladder wasn’t now being reciprocated in the same way? Yes. Was it the realisation that they had trampled over my values of loyalty and integrity in size 10 hobnail boots? Yes. Was it that for 6 years I had supported them and believed in them and their cause? Yes.
It was all this and more.
That evening and for many days afterwards, I journaled. I let the emotions spew out of me. As they came relentlessly, like waves crashing on the shore, I started to feel lighter and more in control. The more I journaled, the less I hurt. The more I started to believe that I could forgive and move forward.
Finding closure
There were things that needed to be said if I was going to move on, so I texted them. As expected, there was no response. But I said what I needed to say to get closure. I thought they had been an idiot, and I felt betrayed. But, it was the chance to say ‘I’ve said my piece’ and ‘I’m now resetting and moving on’. By that point, I truly meant it. For the first time that I have experienced anything like this level of emotional hurt, I’ve been able to get to that place of forgiveness quickly without them living in my head rent-free for months and months.
I am ashamed to say there are a number of individuals from the last 15 years of my business life that lived for far too long rent free in my head. One of them, now sadly passed away, had a strong resemblance to Billy Connelly. For years I couldn’t enjoy watching Billy Connelly without being triggered into ruminating about the what ifs. Sometimes we don’t get the luxury of a call or text or email to say what we need to say to get closure. In those instances write them a letter. A letter you will almost never send. But your way of getting the stuff out of your head you need to say so that you can move on.
Not being too attached
If I don’t get elected again to serve the residents of Flitwick and Steppingley in 2027, then so be it. I’ve struggled with adopting the mantle of ‘politician’. I never stepped up to be a local councillor to climb the greasy pole into Westminster. It’s always been about doing the small things that make a huge difference in my residents’ lives. But I’m not attached to being a councillor or not being a councillor. That has made a huge difference in my journey to forgiveness. Without my identity hinging on being a politician, I’ve been able to forgive and forget, as I don’t need to create a political legacy.
Look to the new possibilities
One of the best conversations I had as this was going on was with the leader of the Independents, who decided to step down as he felt he couldn’t form an administration with a fractured network of Independent councillors. When he said, “the game is up”, I felt a burden had been lifted. Everything felt a little bit lighter. A new path was opening up. We could have so much fun in opposition… (that didn’t quite happen, but that’s a story for another blog post).
As Rudyard Kipling said in his poem, “if”,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, And treat those two impostors just the same; ….
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
In summary:
The key to overcoming betrayal is to find forgiveness. It’s a powerful emotion and state of being, but not something that you can get to without doing the inner work first.
Want to explore more on the topic of forgiveness? Then scroll down 👇 for my Substack and Book recommendations on the topic.
Book recommendations
Robert Enright: 8 keys to forgiveness
Whatever the scenario may be—whether you need to make peace with a certain situation, with a loved one or friend, or with a total stranger—the process of forgiveness is an art and a science, and this hands-on guide walks readers through it in 8 key steps. How can we become forgivingly “fit”? How can we identify the source of our pain and inner turmoil? How can we find meaning in what we have suffered, or learn to forgive ourselves? What should we do when forgiveness feels like a particularly tall order? All these questions and more are answered in this practical book, leading us to become more tolerant, compassionate, and hopeful human beings.
Amber Rae: Choose wonder over worry
Why do we hold back from pursuing what matters most? Why do we listen to the voice inside our head that tells us we're not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough? How can we move beyond the fear and doubt that prevents us from creating a life that reflects who we truly are? Choose Wonder Over Worry is your official invitation to face your fears, wake up to your truth, and get to the source of what's holding you back.
Thibaut Meurisse: Master Your Emotions
Master Your Emotions offers tips on understanding your emotions and controlling them. Instead of letting your negative emotions control your life, this guide encourages you to build positive instead of negative emotions and take back control of your life.
Substack recommendations
- writes here on how to stop giving your power away to other people. This is a powerful article on the work you need to do to stop letting others live rent free in your head. Particularly the challenge of becoming your own hero.
- who writes about the micro-moments of joy at the intersection of healing, grief, and gratitude has written a great article here on when doors close.
- who writes her Love Weekly newsletter discusses here how to walk away from the toxic person who doesn’t want to let you go. Whilst Jillian is talking about personal relationships in her article, much of what she talks about holds true for business relationships.
Self-forgiveness is a learned skill, Heather. Forgive and forget is bullsh*t.
Betrayal seems to have its own combination to the brain's memory vault, and I wish I had a delete button to clear some memories.
Over many years, I learned that rather than just shift my mindset away from all that crap (failing, betrayal, loss), I had to acknowledge and notice those emotions in a different way.
It was like shaking hands with all that mind chatter and finding another perspective.
It's interesting that for me the self-forgiveness process is similar to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief.
I'm checking out the 8 steps book you mentioned.
Thanks for adding the book section at the end.